I can’t honestly say… well, I can’t honestly and consciously say that regret torments me. Because if you regret something it means that you deny there is a valuable lesson in the experience. You deny that whatever happened is a necessary part of your Unfoldment.

The harder it is to come to a point of surrender and transformation, the greater the potential reward… or so I believe. I’m still lost in the “harder” part. I haven’t quite figured out how to surrender, and certainly have not transformed. When one door closes, another was meant to open. I believe this. Only sometimes it is God-awful difficult to identify that new door.

I know, I know… surrender, let go, let the door come to you. Don’t try so hard. Believe me, I even tried not trying. I tried sitting on the coach, waiting. That didn’t work either… not yet at least.

But regret? No, regret implies a loss of hope. Here’s what I know to be absolutely true. That I arrived at this precise destination with all its negatives… regret.torments.me, doubt.poisons.me, overeating.destroys.me… because of the experiences that caused the pain that lead me to create this portal. If anything in my past had not happened as it had, I would not be here now, writing this.

And so this is a fork in the road. If I can find within myself the strength, courage, desire and determination to persevere with this portal, and find a way to etch it permanently into the network, then all the pain of the past that lead me to this moment of Unfoldment was worth it, and indeed a part of my dharma. If it turns out to be another one of my delusions… created on impulse by ego without clear direction or understanding how I ever intend to make a living, not to mention help people… then this, too, was a part of my Unfoldment.

Ah, but here, right here, right now, I say NO. NO. NO. I am now in a moment of birth, of awakening. I can forgive, or should forgive myself for past mistakes because I was blind,  ignorant, and asleep. I had an excuse, of sorts. But now that I am awakening, I do indeed have power of choice. And that power means I can shut this whole dot me portal idea down, never to return. I can abandon it and pursue something else.  So the latter option, that this portal turns out to be yet another delusion, can be avoided. Either I abandon this project, or pursue it passionately as the Unfoldment of my dharma.

I am continuing this thread here: OmG.liberates.me.

OMG.