It’s not only the past. It’s as if I regret my future. It’s as if I’m so washed up and so unable to figure out what to do next. Having a promising future, meaning, something to look forward to is all I ask of the Universe. I pour out my heart every day, praying that the Lord will open my heart and my eyes to whatever divine wisdom he sends me. 

I’ve even started just saying thank you when the heartache of regret comes. Not to encourage it, but more along the lines of, “Lord, I see it’s coming, I thank you for teaching me humility and for sending this opportunity for character building.” Somehow, my intuition tells me that this is the whole point: when these negative feelings swell up inside of me, they are manifestations of my old programming, the patterns I learned as a child. “Woe is me!” Victimhood! Fear! Worry! Doubt! 

Silly programming. This is the whole point: it will continue to occur until I figure out how to wipe it out. Transform it. Sterilize it. Whatever word you want to use. God doesn’t punish us by sending us this pain. Rather, he presents us with an opportunity to work out our dharma. In so doing, we earn our liberation and can set a fine example for others.

I signed up for this. I really believe, or feel deeply, that we choose our parents for the purposes of working out our dharma. I feel it in my bones. And yet, if I say I believe all this, what is the continuing source of the pain? Why is it such a resistant strain?